This is another really hard one for me. I don't understand what it means to be "wanted" by God. I've never given any thought to it. In fact, I've probably thought more about it in the last 2 hours than I have for my entire life. The idea of be wanted, in general, is something I stopped tormenting myself over a long time ago. The truth is that I spent so much time as a child longing to be wanted... excepted... for the person I was (instead of the person I could be), that after a while I just stopped caring. Over the years, when I've discussed this with people, they've all been way too eager to dissect my psyche, saying that "deep down inside, I really do care...I'm just not willing to admit it." And maybe 10 years ago that was true. But, it's honestly not the case anymore. Those that know me the best... my husband, my best-friends... will testify to this. Over time, my heart has been hardened. I've conditioned myself to genuinely not care about the opinions of other people... acceptance is trivial. So, now the conundrum I find myself in is figuring out if I really want to open Pandora's Box, if you will.
I have experienced my share of pain and heartbreak. I have been disappointed beyond words when it comes to this subject... a tattered relationship with my parents and the failure of my first marriage definitely top the list. At first, those experiences made me bitter... correction, I allowed them to make me bitter. But, the irony here is that through those experiences, I have developed traits that I really love. I'm independent (because I've told myself that people aren't dependable), I speak my mind (because I refuse to let anyone tell me what I should think), I don't mince words (because I wasted too many years of my life with someone that refused to be honest.) On paper, the idea of God wanting me is great. But, in reality, the thought completely knocks me off kilter. Because, to except that... to want it for myself, places me in a vulnerable position. It could cause me to reopen wounds that have long been closed. In the book, Chan says:
"The wildest part is that Jesus doesn't have to love us. His being is utterly complete and perfect, apart from humanity. He doesn't need me or you. Yet, He wants us, chooses us, even considers us His inheritance. (Eph. 1:18). The greatest knowledge we can ever have is knowing God treasures us. That really is amazing beyond description. The holy Creator sees you as His "glorious inheritance." p. 61.
So... if this is true, it means that "He wants us, chooses us, even considers us His inheritance" despite ourselves... despite our faults, despite our imperfections. He loves us as we are... for who we are. It's a perfect love that we will never know here on Earth. No matter how many times we've been disappointed by man (be it a spouse, a parent, a child, a friend), we will never be disappointed by God. But, for those of us that have been hurt in this arena, here's the reality that we must face: God does want us... and that will never change. In my opinion, we each have a choice... and I'm beginning to think that it's a pivotal one in our walk with Christ. We can simply accept that He wants us and leave it at that... OR we can open our hearts, as wounded and vulnerable as they may be, to the greatest possibility of being unconditionally loved and wanted... forever transformed by this realization and acceptance. God wants that for us... we just need to want it for ourselves.
Spend some time thinking about this today. Have other relationships in your past, adversely affected your relationship with God? Do you accept the fact that God loves you and wants you as you are... no matter where you are in your walk? If not, spend some time in prayer, asking God to help you in the areas of acceptance and understanding.
His Faithful Servant~