Last night, I picked up Crazy Love, trying to figure out what to write for this blog. As I opened the book, it fell upon page 124...close to where I left off on the last blog. Instead of flipping back a few pages, I read the three, isolated sentences at the top of 124:
"God wants us to trust Him with abandon. He wants to show us how He works and cares for us. He wants to be our refuge." p. 124
Well, this was enough to bring me to tears. Granted, being almost 6 months pregnant has made me EXTREMELY hormonal. Add to that three children and homeschooling and you get... tired and hormonal. Now, add to THAT this blog, this book, the small group I'm leading in women's ministry and this "little" side project I'm doing for the upcoming Christmas Tea at my church and you have a perfect storm that decided to break loose last night. I'll be the first to admit that I take on more than I should... but in all fairness, there is MUCH more that I say "No" to! And, it should also be noted that I am stepping away from almost all of my "responsibilities" outside of family after Christmas. In fact, the only thing I'll have left is this blog... and even that will be coming to an end soon. And to be completely and totally honest...I'm terrified. I don't know what it means to "be still."
Obviously, I know what it means... but I don't know what it looks like for me... or better yet, my idea of what I think it looks like IS NOT IN THE LEAST BIT APPEALING. Yes... I know, God's plans are better than ours. That message has been pounded into my psyche for the past two weeks. I'm in the throws of putting together a 30 Day Devotional centered around the lives of real women that have real struggles... and how they depend on Christ for their strength and refuge. I've been reading 3 or 4 of these testimonies a day and then having to write a devotional around each woman's story. Last night, in tears and frustration, I walked away from the computer and threw myself onto the bed...spewing every last thought that was taking up space in my head, out to my bewildered...and a little terrified... husband. The humor in this is that he was getting ready to go to his small group (focused on Crazy Love).
In my mind, I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God's plans ARE better for me than mine. I also know that God has the power to change our hearts. He has changed mine in the past few months... so the frustration comes from the fact that despite knowing these two things, I STILL refuse to trust Him! My frustration is not with God... it's with myself. I finally realized that last night... maybe I'm just realizing it right now! I used to hate reading in Exodus where the Israelites were walking in the desert... following the pillar of cloud during the day and the pillar of fire by night. I didn't understand how they could so easily lose faith. I mean, God was right there and they STILL made bad, selfish, indulgent, self-serving decisions. But, isn't that what I'm doing...what a lot of us are doing? Granted, we don't have the clouds and fire...but, in the same breathe, I can't deny who God is and what he has done... just in my life alone. The light bulb went off as I continued to read the rest of page 124... but I'll save that for the next blog!
Many of you know that Francis Chan and his family are overseas right now. I checked out their update the other day and thought you might find Lisa's postings interesting. If you get a chance, check them out!